to realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation

link!!

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 14:04:03 GMT

ei, d ko na po update tong livejournal ko! visit nyo na lng po blog kO! tanx..

quote, a reflection!

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 10:04:07 GMT

i've done the bravest thing in my life, letting go of someone i love so much. but as I'm doing that bravest thing, I've never felt so weak, all i could do is breakdown, cry and wich that I was never that brave!

---- a quote that struck me! nice right?! sometimes, it is ironic.. by doing the bravest thing can give you a feeling that will turn you into a weakest person.. not physically but emotionally.. and sometimes, i just wish that this is just a wound that a simple antibiotic can cure it... but i can say, honestly, ive forgot it.. meaning, its really over! the sun came out already.. but my world is quite dim thats why i love to wear bright-colored apparels.. i survived it! i thank God for it! i just wish that this will continue...

getting weaker everyday!!

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 07:34:17 GMT

when will my sun shine? i dont know what to do... i want this agony be finished! i cant take it anymore!! i just feel that my heart is full of pain and sorrow... nobody will bother to help me! i know it! no one!!!

when will this be over?? i hate this feeling of mine!! i hate it! it made me feel so stupid... now my keyboard is wet again! and nobody will dare to wipe it! OH GOD please.. help me!! i want this be over!!

when will i stop crying because of him, i hate it! because i know he doesnt deserve a single tear drop... but OH GOD, i've cried almost a litter everyday! because everyday i feel hopeless... restless...

when will i stop hoping... no matter what i tell to myself... it just keeps on coming back! as if nothing happened! as if it was not painful! Oh God pls let this thing be over... i am begging...

when will i stop missing him... i hate him! i hate him! he always makes me feel so low! but why do i continue missing him! where did i get this stupid feeling! before i am really passive.. but why??! now i feel so helpless because of you...

i just dont know! why?? why??! i hate this! i hate it! why do i love you... you're no good in me.. your games are always harsh and rude.. you always disatisfy me... always make me bitter.. always make me sad.. always make me feel so stupid...

what will i do?! my head said stop loving.. but my heart doesnt listen to what my head is saying!! and my heart always wins!! thats why i am always bitter! "AYOKO NA PO" but what will i do!! i am really helpless! i am so WEAK! I AM SO WEAK!

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 03:49:08 GMT

FUKC!!! i want to be FREE!! free from all anxiety!! I want this AUDIT REPORT be done! I am already in "LAZY MODE" maybe because of the FACT that it is already a SEMBREAK!! SEMBREAK!! SEMBREAK!! I want TO SCREAM AND SHOUT!!! (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!) HELP ME LORD! Today is MONDAY! MONDAY! but i am thinking that it is a SUNDAY!

ANYWAY, i just wish that i pass my law 3! although i reached the ceiling grade, i am still not sure i have maintained it! or if my prof gave me lower than it! for sure i will not graduate on time! NOT ON TIME! Oh GOD, pls pls pls.. DoNt let this thing happen to me!

bleeding and screaming heart!!

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 13:38:51 GMT

how funny!! that the thing i wrote last night was not able to be posted!! maybe its God's will.. ill leave it to Him!

Anyway, last night i was really confused!! WHY DID HE LET ME GO?! how sad right?? but thats a FACT and i couldnt do anything about it! the small hope that i have inside was gone!! GONE!! sad right??! i guess he is really tough! I told you, HE IS!! as in super strong!! or maybe because i am really nothing to him.. as like NOTHING IMPORTANT!! yeah!! maybe!! because how can a super talkative, loud, lousy, small and ugly girl be a man's important possession... DEFINITELY NOT!! RIGHT?? i guess i should really pitty myself!! Now, tears are all flowing again and my heart is screaming for the pain it has inside!! he doubled the pain!! DOUBLED it!! if he thought that i was happy with what he did, surely i am not!! NOT NOT!! ill ask you this! who will be happy, if some who holds your heart let go of you and intoduce to you another guy who's searching for someone to be his somewhat a lover... : ( How could this be??!! one more thing, he is dating a girl already!! thats really painful!! and HURTS ME EVEN MORE!! I know this is the transition!! the over lapping and the introduction of new picture... and this is the most depressing part of ones relationship! the only thing that i hold on to, is what i believe in.. i can surpass any challenge and this is only a mindset... sooner or later it will be gone! GONE!! it will be just part of our history, a part where i fall and fall out of love... but you know what honestly, he will remain in me, a big part of me.. Eventhough this thing came up, i can say that i still have the power to LOVE!!! i can still give almost everthing of me, without any doubt.. and made some promises: i will be more carefull (falling in love), need to control my emotion as long as i can.. hold it tight!! but once i am ready again, he'll be surely lucky to have me!! i PROMISE!!

Sooner or later life will be more complicated... super complex!! we will be heading the different directions apart from each other!!

one thing just crossed my mind!! (shax!! super deeply painful!!) remember, he told me that he is just busy with so many priorities that's why we part ways.. but why he is dating right now!! why?? WHY?? (shax, A HARD SLAP ON MY FACE!!!) I told you, who will love a girl like me or even like???!! RIGHT??!!

i can say i dont have the right to be jelous with the girl because he is not mine! never been mine.. NEVER... NEVER!!! he never wanted me to be!!! NEVER!!

God, when will i be happy... WHEN?? WHEN?? laughing is not really an indication that i am happy!! never will be!! Because at the end of the day, you will see me crying.. CRYING in the midst of loneliness and emptiness.. Most of the time, when you see me fooling around and super hyper, it is because my heart is bleeding and searching for something that will console it!! you will never thought that this girl who keeps on smilling and laughing, is suffering from a deep wound.. and doesnt know how to relieve it!! (I need a TIGHT HUG!! or just a mere HUG!!) Now that ill be back from where i have been.. but i am already perverted!! and NO ONE WILL BOTHER TO GUIDE ME!!!

"old habits die hard!"

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 05:46:14 GMT

"OLD HABITS DIE HARD" => I agree!

As months went by, you became one of my habits.. somewhat addictive and therefore hard to let go! i want to ask some scholars about the underlying principles that might give me some answers and help me figure out what's the best thing to do. but whom will i ask?! Who?? who??

i am constantly feeling this from the moment i got you.. whats with you, that made me fall and became unsure of everything... is it the magic i was looking or just a boo-boo!!! this cause me a lot pain and sorrow..

Tears were constantly flowing and i wish i will no longer glug down the salty-taste-liquid! thats why i am letting go!! but what will i do?? its only you can dry my eyes!and only you! will be the best remedy! ONLY YOU!!

sounds awful but its real! sounds pathetic but came from the depth of my soul!

wish i could be the one!!

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 15:59:27 GMT

wish i could be the one! the one who could give you love. the kind of love you really need. wish i could say to you! that i always stay with you! but baby that's me! :( you'll find someone, willing to give the heart and soul to you!
its a song.

i heard it on the radio while going to market market! it speaks a lot! thats why i wrote it here!

Golden Ruling!!

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 15:01:38 GMT

BE PASSIVE!!!

caution: dont follow the voice from within! think!! use your head!!

bitter always!

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 11:42:09 GMT

how i wish our path meet again. i dont know when or how, but i am still hoping. and i dont know if during that time, i still have this feeling for him. or there is already another person who holds my heart. o well that's life! we really have to move on. go up and down... be happy and sad... fall in love and fall out it! there are really somethings that are not meant for each other. or maybe not yet the right time or rather never.we just have to accept that there is someone for us who's waiting and searching. let's just be aware and prepared because he might just slip away.

useless effort

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 10:57:21 GMT

Last Oct 2, it was his birthday.. So?! Yeah, whats the big deal.. I dont know also.. But there were somethings happened that proved me a lot.. I don’t know if I was the first person who greeted him on his special day. and i dont care either!!

Late Friday evening, I was reluctant to greet him because of some pointless arguments. So, again I asked a sign that if he would be online (YM) before 12 midnight, I would definitely greet him. Luckily (for him), he came in. Then, we talked about senseless topics. While chatting, the clock ticks at 12 pm, I decided to call him (surprise??). I didn’t give a hint that I know that it was his birthday. So we talked on the phone, again, with senseless topics rather “sweet nothings”. Then I was teasing him, I asked him were he would celebrate his birthday. He just told me that it will be held somewhere in Greenbelt. He didn’t invite me! How sad on my part. But I don’t know if he’s just giving me a hint that he wanted me to be there. But I doubt it! That would be very impossible. So we hanged up the phone, without even saying where the exact location of his party. But you know what?! I was still hoping that maybe in the afternoon, he would sent me a message stating that he’s inviting me to attend.

So after my (Saturday) class, I headed to Glorietta accompanying my barkadas. As I approached the entrance in Parksquare, I met my blockmates who’s calling and inviting me to his brother-in-law’s birthday. I didn’t really want to go there because I was hoping that he would invite me. But my blockmate forced me to go in their place. You know what… I even rejected my kabarkada who’s asking me to accompany her… because of that stupid assumption!! I was really guilty that time. As we were traveling going to Quezon City, I was really upset. I didn’t want to go because he might text in any moment that his is inviting me. I was even planning how I will go back in Makati easily.

In the party, it was evident that I am really hoping or waiting for something. Thank you for the food that made me felt better. While finishing our food, my blockmates decided to watch a DVD (13 going 30). I told them that I have watched it already, I would just rather sleep. But as I sleep my mom keeps on sending me messages telling that I need to buy ink for printer because she needs to print something. But they didn’t want me to leave. So I decided to tell her that call me and say that she wanted me home. I even had connivance with her so I could just go out. A moment later, he sent me a message saying that he was in Glorietta... So what?? Right?? I don’t know rational he has that moment. I answered him back, asking that if he wanted me to be there. He told me that it was exclusive for Bedans only with a word joke at the end. So I told him, that he’ll just treat me after his guy friends. I don’t know, he told me that if I’ll see him, I am already invited. I don’t know if I got the right signals. But heck!! I am not that desperate! But I really do hope that I might see him. Then, the movie had ended. We decided to eat again and I’ll leave after it.

While eating again, a friend brought red wine. My two blockmates ask for two bottles of light beer. I don’t drink. I mean I just do social drinking. (He just missed call me! with his new num!) And I rather drink hard than beers, so I got red wine. While drinking I told them that after I finish drinking my wine, I’ll bounce. But they held back me again. They combined the remaining beers on their bottles and asked me to finish it, and then we can part ways already. And because of that hell expectation, I drink all of it as fast as I can. I gave them the empty bottle and ask their permission again. They said last condition. I will sing song for them. Oh God, there really a lot of people there. But because of my anticipation, I asked them to choose a song that I will sing. I was really ashamed of myself. However, I overcome it. I sing a song that impressed them! (arrogant) And they asked me to sing another song. And the funny thing is, somebody’s giving me money… Of course I didn’t accept it. So we were teasing each other about that money. But because I was really eager to go back in Makati, I told them that I will go home. So they allowed me to do so, as it was agreed.

As I traveled back, it was still in my mind. I even plotted something. Here it goes; I will meet him carrying my books, somewhere far from his party. I just wanted to see him and greet him personally. But it didn’t work out. I went home carrying my loneliness. But I was still hoping to be in Greenbelt with Pia. I even asked someone whom I dated for quite awhile. I did everything just to be there. However, it was not really meant for me to be there. I cried in my room. As usual, I didn’t tell anyone of this. I just kept it inside my mind and memory. Then I sleep with full of pain and bitterness.

Around 2:30, I saw 2 missed calls on my cellphone. And I saw that it was him. Me, half-awake, called him. I don’t remember what our topic was. The only thing that I can remember is, he said sorry because he disturbed my serenity. ZzZzzzz

I don’t know. But this event is really heavy for me. I was really hurt again! Again! Again!

inferiority complex!!

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 09:24:28 GMT

Technology gave me an inferiority complex.. Last Monday, we had a presentation of our mission statement in life that has to be like a movie! Oh In-Christ-Sake, i made one but as scattered as my brain! it really reflects how i think!! Isnt it obvious??? anyway, it looks like something that will really make your eyes into tears because of the fast transitions that i did! I thought it would look good! ironically, it looks like hell! I had my 1-and-20-second-moment of shame... NOT FAME!!

Until we were in Lui's car, i still feel restless.. Super paranoid! I will soon become the queen of paranoia!! Hahaha!! But if could only see me in front with hands shaking (because of shame)!!

here are some clips that i placed!!

me and my sis yen!! hehehe!! do i look like an adopted child??!

when i was 1 year old

and here's a better view!

admit it i am cuttie!! hehehehe

this is apol and mokong! He is our "magic"!! this is their recent photo (polariod)

And the clips goes on and on!!

The First CUt is the Deepest!!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:46:59 GMT

The First Cut Is The Deepest

by Sheryl Crow

Album	: The Very Best of, The Very Best of, The Very Best Of - UK Release
Subtted by	:
Corrected by

I would've given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky he's cursed
And when it comes to lovin me, he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cause if you want I'll try to love again (tryy)
Baby I'll try to love again but I know (o-oh)

The first cut is the deepest Baby I know
the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to bein' lucky he's cursed
And when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst
(Guitar solo)

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)
Baby I'll try to love again but I know (o-o-oh)

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein lucky he's cursed
And when it comes to lovin me he's worst(o-o-oh)

The first cut is the deepest baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
Try to love again

disclosure!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:41:59 GMT

yehey! he talked to me last night! i was a bit shocked then bcz i wasnt expecting it. i thought he would just ignore me and pretend that i was not there. but when i was in the classroom a while ago, i applied one of the principles of accounting in this situation. it's funny yet logical. anyway, here it goes, every book that was opened need to be disclosed! a disclosure might be done on the end of the year or at the time the event occured! haha its quite confusing if we dont speak the same language. rather, i am not really good in explaining things like this. anyway! sooner or later ill be more coherent with my thoughts..

i therefore conclude that we must settle this thing as soon as possible because there is a possibility that both of us might forget to arrange the mess i did! and it might result to something that is more complicated!! i am right?! i dont need your reaction! Just kidding! no i am no longer a kid! Yuck! what the hell i am writing! just for the sake that i could place something in my journal!! o well no one can stop me! even you!!hehe and this is mine!! MINE!!

identity crisis!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:16:23 GMT

hay! i am already 20 years old! i wanted to act according to my age! how sad i cant! i cant! i am so loud! as in super noisy!! as in.!! i hate it!

super! ecstatic!!

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 16:36:02 GMT

yehey!! you dont know how happy i am right now... thank you Lord for listening with my prayers.. I love you Lord!!

ill sleep na po! thank you so much!!

hard as rock!

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:29:50 GMT

i want to be firm! i really admire him! how he supresses his feelings.. how he controls himself from what he calls "temptation".. how he can hide his true feelings. how he acts?! how hard he is... i mean how tough he is..

haha.. wish ko lng ganun dn ako! wish ko lng! wish ko lng! sana kya ko dn!!

btw, i know, you know who you are.. wag ka pong mgagalit ha! naku baka isumpa mo na ako! hehe its true! i admire u! hehe

i know only few rather no one will bother to read this, thats why i am not hesitant to write it here!

mwah!!

misleading joke!!

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 11:25:51 GMT

So many things to do! There are many responsibilities to attend which sometimes made me feel that I don’t have time for myself. I suffer from the things I never did. Sometimes I wanted to end this cruel and useless life. I know it sounds that I am selfish. Yeah, I know at times I am selfish, but most of the time I give what I can give to others. Yet, sometimes it pisses me off. does my family loves me?! Why am I here in this world? What are my purposes in life?! Is this it Lord?? To be the carrier of all the burden in life… Just give me the strength Lord...

I am so happy. As if I don’t carry the whole world. You know what, what makes me feel so stupid? This feeling of mine, makes me so slow. I wanted this to be shared out. But how can I do it, if the person who holds my heart keeps pushing me away. How I wish I could knock on his heart and beg. But I don’t have the guts to do it. All I can do is pray to God to make us connected again. It was my fault why that connection was broken. I couldn’t imagine that with just one senseless joke led to something I never wanted to happen. If only I can bring back that moment, I wouldn’t do it. I really suffered from the consequences. I hate myself. I am so stupid. Yeah! I am pathetic I couldn’t leave him. No matter hard I try, I can’t. I prayed for it when I was in the retreat, I asked some signs. And they didn’t show. I am not really sure if they didn’t occur or what. But what matter most is now. I couldn’t do anything. As if I am petrified. This thing makes my day, from the moment I teased him, heavy. Please forgive me… please..

foolish thoughts!!

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 04:50:54 GMT

Its killing me inside! My heart is bleeding with that idea. This is my first time to be hurt with this feeling called love. I am really true that love and pain come in package. I attest to it and I can say that each and every one of us can also testify. I will be brave with this. I will face it with my head-up-high.

Looking back, I have so many fruitful memoirs with him. We share a lot of memories that I myself will cherish. I don’t care if he will forget me or will remain in him. But, atleast I have experienced them. Being treated as a lady, in his own ways, was really something that I will look for. Although these memories are good, they must be buried. I am very inconsistent, obviously. But this time, I will be very strong with this decision. Everything starts yet everything will come to an end. Sad to say the “us” is over. Over and over!! And that is final. It should be! It’s not a pause or comma, but an end or period. But behind my mind, he keeps on knocking. In my heart, he keeps on pinching. I don’t know what the underlying principles with this, yet I don’t need to discern. I don’t need to grasp any answer with those questions.

If you my dear are currently reading this, just want to know, why did you do that to me?? I am not yet sure if you really cheated on me! But if I prove it, I just pray for you. I will no longer meddle. MARK THIS WORD!! You don’t know what you’re missing. Yeah! I am no extraordinary. I am not intelligent or even talented, but I have the loyalty that cannot be shattered. I can give my everything without questioning. Anyhow, thank you and sorry for at times you felt you were forced to do something that contradicts to your values and principles. I just love you so much! And for me that is a valid reason!!

self denial

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 05:58:52 GMT

to many things that are undercovered

to many questions need not to be answered

to many feelings that must remain unseen

hottie mind

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:16:57 GMT

what a night?! is it required to be out every friday or saturday.. i mean chilling out or bar hopping.. can we just use this time to take a rest or something. i have nothing against with those people who go out during those times. maybe i am just bitter because i am here in front of my monitor doing this silly thing.

how funny?! i discover that he is so shallow. he is a hunk yet soft inside. he is so prideful. honestly, he is not my type, yet i fell in love with him. he is not my ideal guy, yet i want him by my side. i am in a dilema again. why he keeps on making simple things into a complex one. maybe the priest, i spoke last retreat is right, i can easily forgive other people because its me. but i cannot force other people to be like me. we are different in letting go of our angst. maybe because they pamper their pains. but please Lord i am asking for your forgiveness, i didnt mean to hurt them. sorry! sorry!

where is he right now? is he doing his thesis? does he mean with what he said to me last night, that he doesnt want to be bother by me anymore. am i really a temptation? is it really true that he doesnt find the magic in me? these questions keep on bugging me.. it hurts me a lot when i am thinking of possible answers. but one thing leads me to another that makes it really heavy and more painful, he doesnt love me. maybe he likes me but he will never love me for what i am. i mean he will never appreciate me for who i am. maybe my friends are annoyed by this thing, but if they only know what is really going on. how sad i am evertime he rejects me. if he only knew that it is my pleasure serving him. but i am not that martyr.. hehe i know what is right or proper things to be done by me. sorry again i am not that stupid enough. maybe it is right that love is valid answer to any question about being a martyr. i, sometimes cannot see the rationale behind it. but i just have to admit that i am in love. but how sad the guy doesnt want me??!!

i am still thankful because he is so respectful and traditional. although he is more a of masculine that makes it really hard for me to comprehend, yet it really challenges me. i can say that he is part of my mission in life. however, he doesnt want me to be part of his life.

enough!!!!!

undelivered emotion

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 15:58:55 GMT

Hmmm.. why is it always like this? we werent able to connect with each other.. as always, although i know that it was just a joke, it hurts me alot! i hate it. maybe because i love him. its wierd! i am cynical about it. although its my nature. i mean being pessimistic. oh God! why can just be us? or rather why cant we be just friends.

now i am very guilty. i dont have to be guilty! i hate him! i have to accept we are not compatible. i dont know what to say! why is he acting that way. i dont know if he is just jealous or something. and what hurts me more, i dont have the powers to get the proper or true answer. oh God! please. give me strength to surpass this shallow thing! i need to take a deep breath! and calm down!

its time for you to swallow your pride! its your turn. i am giving you 15 mins to make ur strategies. hai! it proved me a lot that he is prideful.

who is she??

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 12:25:44 GMT

I hate myself! Why do I continue loving him? I know he doesn’t deserve me but it challenges me more every time I am with him… I hate him when he says that I wanted to be with him and I do delaying tactics. Although it is true that I want to be with him but need not to say all the time.

I cant explain what I am feeling right now! I know myself yet it is still hard for me to let go! I thought I already have the powers to do it. I thought it would be easy. Can I just be passive? No matter how I try to suppress this feeling, it still shows more evidently. Oh God, can I just be happy with what we are right now. I know he still love his ex-gf or rather his girlfriend, but why I continue doing stuff to make him like or even love me. I know we are not meant for each other yet I am still hoping that someday we will be together.

I don’t know what will happen next. But God I am praying and begging, please send someone who will love and appreciate me for what I am. I want to feel that I am extra ordinary. Someone who is worth loving and worth keeping, that’s what I want Lord. Someone who will not leave anytime, I need security! I am hopeless romantic. Please Lord, send this man from heaven. If he comes my way please give me a sign or hint that he is the one. Please Lord, I am begging… please! Or rather if I know him already, please make a way that will cross our path again. And Lord I need a very visible sign that will tell me that it is him. Because Lord I can say that I am somewhat blinded! I am waiting Lord. Thank you po!

good day!!

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 09:31:35 GMT

after i ate my breakfast at around 8 am, i wrote this.. but a reason or another i wasnt able to paste it here. honestly, this jouranl was the first thing in my mind from the moment i open my eyes. aside from, i am deeply in love with the book that i am presently reading..

Good morning!! What a wonderful start for another week of my existence. Last night, I had struggles. I can’t sleep but thank God after I prayed, finally, my body and mind compromised each other. My head stopped wandering as my body drained its power.

Later, I must be in school before 12. We will have our MF routine. Just to inform you, I am part of Voices an Assumption Chorale. But really I am not a good singer. I don’t know most of the time; I have many lost notes. Anyway, have to go…

helpless night

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 17:46:11 GMT

Oh God! I can’t sleep... my whole body is tired but my head is keep on wandering. I want to rest myself but something is making it busy... they say that if you can’t sleep, someone is thinking of you. Who the hell is he or she, please! Have pity on me. I want to discipline myself. I want to have an average sleep of 8 hours every day and I want to start my day early. I’ve seen myself very inefficient for the past months... I want my attitude toward works to be back... i am so lenient and lax... I don’t care what will happen next. I am becoming happy go lucky. />

Ok!! I can’t sleep... I’ll just use this time to wrap up the things that happened to me last week. There are lots of positive things occurred. Last Friday, September 3, I received an award from the school. It is the Mother Marthe Merit Society Award. Let me give you a brief background about it. It is given to the student who exemplifies extraordinary leadership and service in her block or organization, or in the entire college, or has contributed in a significant way in any special project or school activity during the year. I don’t know why they gave this award to me. Honestly, during the ceremony I was still in denial stage. I was cynical about it. I was thinking that they just called the wrong person. The reason or another, I was only informed that I am going to receive an award the day after the assembly. And take note it is an Honors Assembly. I haven’t attended one ever since first year. Obviously, it was my first time. I don’t know if am going to be happy or what because you know why?? I am the only person there who has no academic award. I felt so small in the crowd. As if I want to hide my head inside my shell. But I had another realization during that ceremony. I experienced everything that a student could ever dream of except for being a dean’s lister. I never wanted to be my name being incorporated with it. But I regret those spoiled days. I should have studied harder to make my parents proud of me. However, I cannot go back those moments. Any how, I still made them happy by having this kind of appreciation from my alma mater.

Another good thing happened was I got a passing grade in my Law 3 subject. This is the last grade that I am waiting. I am a pessimistic person. So, I am thinking that I would get a grade lower than 2.5. I even called my mom to inform her that I will definitely receive a failing mark. I can say that God is really good. He answered my prayer again. I am so happy when I saw my remark given by my professor. He is really considerate.

As I say, if there’s good, there’s bad. After my Law 3 class, we went to our next subject which computer audit. I don’t know I just felt like I was exhausted. I am not interested with what he is saying. Or maybe I was beginning to hate my professor. I find him bias. He has high expectations. And nobody can reach it but our blockmate whom he calls a girl who has beauty and brain. He even makes us feel that we are stupid. Maybe not all of us, but I know I am included. He may not say it verbally but it is implied. Sorry where not that stupid as he is thinking. Maybe he just wanted to catch my attention because I was busy with my monitor. I didn’t even glance at him. I didn’t talk as I was. I just remained silent and engaged with other things. So finally, he asked me to read one of the disadvantages of DES and explain it in class. It’s just a three-sentenced paragraph and I can’t even understand a single word. So what will I do? My mind is not in the classroom. I couldn’t express myself even though my seatmate was already explaining it to me. How stupid I am, I said to myself. How ignorant I am. Honestly, I wanted to go out of the room and cry my heart out because he kept on doing something that made me feel more stupid. It was not that I was ashamed but i hate those words and gestures. I know that I am not really a bright student. And he offensively compared me to the one she adored in class. I know that I don’t belong to the “genius” crowd. But I do know that I am happy with my life. I know that I don’t need his comments to be successful. He is not even at par with Eintein. So don’t he ever think that he is the most intelligent and perfect man on earth because he is not!!! Sorry Lord I am becoming so mean. He hurt me and I am very sure about it.

O well that’s life… And last Saturday, my mom celebrated her 5oth birthday.. And it was fun… then I went out… and had some realization…

Finish

last for the day

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 15:16:40 GMT

this will be the last for this day.. i can say that i am really happy because i can now express myself with this kind of thing. i know that only few will read this. but for you who is currently reading this, i thank you so much for lending me your time to browse over this. and also i would like to take the opportunity to thank you for making me happy and also telling sorry if i hurt you.. but dont worry if you did something not good in me... let's just forget about it... as i always say, life is so short. so we better be happy with every single breath that we have... good night i am now going to rest my body n mind.. so i can have energy to enthusiast the people around me tomorrow... may Godbless us...