"OLD HABITS DIE HARD" => I agree! 

As months went by, you became one of my habits.. somewhat addictive and therefore hard to let go! i want to ask some scholars about the underlying principles that might give me some answers and help me figure out what's the best thing to do. but whom will i ask?! Who?? who??

 i am constantly feeling this from the moment i got you.. whats with you, that made me fall and became unsure of everything... is it the magic i was looking or just a boo-boo!!! this cause me a lot pain and sorrow..

 Tears were constantly flowing and i wish i will no longer glug down the salty-taste-liquid! thats why i am letting go!! but what will i do?? its only you can dry my eyes!and only you! will be the best remedy! ONLY YOU!!

sounds awful but its real! sounds pathetic but came from the depth of my soul!   

wish i could be the one! the one who could give you love. the kind of love you really need. wish i could say to you! that i always stay with you! but baby that's me! :( you'll find someone, willing to give the heart and soul to you!
its a song.

 i heard it on the radio while going to market market! it speaks a lot! thats why i wrote it here!

                  BE PASSIVE!!!

caution: dont follow the voice from within! think!! use your head!!

Late Friday evening, I was reluctant to greet him because of some pointless arguments. So, again I asked a sign that if he would be online (YM) before 12 midnight, I would definitely greet him. Luckily (for him), he came in. Then, we talked about senseless topics. While chatting, the clock ticks at 12 pm, I decided to call him (surprise??). I didn’t give a hint that I know that it was his birthday. So we talked on the phone, again, with senseless topics rather “sweet nothings”. Then I was teasing him, I asked him were he would celebrate his birthday. He just told me that it will be held somewhere in Greenbelt. He didn’t invite me! How sad on my part. But I don’t know if he’s just giving me a hint that he wanted me to be there. But I doubt it! That would be very impossible. So we hanged up the phone, without even saying where the exact location of his party. But you know what?! I was still hoping that maybe in the afternoon, he would sent me a message stating that he’s inviting me to attend.

So after my (Saturday) class, I headed to Glorietta accompanying my barkadas. As I approached the entrance in Parksquare, I met my blockmates who’s calling and inviting me to his brother-in-law’s birthday. I didn’t really want to go there because I was hoping that he would invite me. But my blockmate forced me to go in their place. You know what… I even rejected my kabarkada who’s asking me to accompany her… because of that stupid assumption!! I was really guilty that time. As we were traveling going to Quezon City, I was really upset. I didn’t want to go because he might text in any moment that his is inviting me. I was even planning how I will go back in Makati easily.

In the party, it was evident that I am really hoping or waiting for something. Thank you for the food that made me felt better. While finishing our food, my blockmates decided to watch a DVD (13 going 30). I told them that I have watched it already, I would just rather sleep. But as I sleep my mom keeps on sending me messages telling that I need to buy ink for printer because she needs to print something. But they didn’t want me to leave. So I decided to tell her that call me and say that she wanted me home. I even had connivance with her so I could just go out. A moment later, he sent me a message saying that he was in Glorietta... So what?? Right?? I don’t know rational he has that moment. I answered him back, asking that if he wanted me to be there. He told me that it was exclusive for Bedans only with a word joke at the end. So I told him, that he’ll just treat me after his guy friends. I don’t know, he told me that if I’ll see him, I am already invited. I don’t know if I got the right signals. But heck!! I am not that desperate! But I really do hope that I might see him. Then, the movie had ended. We decided to eat again and I’ll leave after it.

While eating again, a friend brought red wine. My two blockmates ask for two bottles of light beer. I don’t drink. I mean I just do social drinking. (He just missed call me! with his new num!) And I rather drink hard than beers, so I got red wine. While drinking I told them that after I finish drinking my wine, I’ll bounce. But they held back me again. They combined the remaining beers on their bottles and asked me to finish it, and then we can part ways already. And because of that hell expectation, I drink all of it as fast as I can. I gave them the empty bottle and ask their permission again. They said last condition. I will sing song for them. Oh God, there really a lot of people there. But because of my anticipation, I asked them to choose a song that I will sing. I was really ashamed of myself. However, I overcome it. I sing a song that impressed them! (arrogant) And they asked me to sing another song. And the funny thing is, somebody’s giving me money… Of course I didn’t accept it. So we were teasing each other about that money. But because I was really eager to go back in Makati, I told them that I will go home. So they allowed me to do so, as it was agreed.

As I traveled back, it was still in my mind. I even plotted something. Here it goes; I will meet him carrying my books, somewhere far from his party. I just wanted to see him and greet him personally. But it didn’t work out. I went home carrying my loneliness. But I was still hoping to be in Greenbelt with Pia. I even asked someone whom I dated for quite awhile. I did everything just to be there. However, it was not really meant for me to be there. I cried in my room. As usual, I didn’t tell anyone of this. I just kept it inside my mind and memory. Then I sleep with full of pain and bitterness.

Around 2:30, I saw 2 missed calls on my cellphone. And I saw that it was him. Me, half-awake, called him. I don’t remember what our topic was. The only thing that I can remember is, he said sorry because he disturbed my serenity. ZzZzzzz

I don’t know. But this event is really heavy for me. I was really hurt again! Again! Again!

Technology gave me an inferiority complex.. Last Monday, we had a presentation of our mission statement in life that has to be like a movie! Oh In-Christ-Sake, i made one but as scattered as my brain! it really reflects how i think!! Isnt it obvious??? anyway, it looks like something that will really make your eyes into tears because of the fast transitions that i did! I thought it would look good! ironically, it looks like hell! I had my 1-and-20-second-moment of shame... NOT FAME!!

Until we were in Lui's car, i still feel restless.. Super paranoid! I will soon become the queen of paranoia!! Hahaha!! But if could only see me in front with hands shaking (because of shame)!!

here are some clips that i placed!!

me and my sis yen!!  hehehe!! do i look like an adopted child??!

when i was 1 year old

and here's a better view!

                                                   admit it i am cuttie!! hehehehe

this is apol and mokong!  He is our "magic"!! this is their recent photo (polariod)

And the clips goes on and on!!

yehey! he talked to me last night! i was a bit shocked then bcz i wasnt expecting it. i thought he would just ignore me and pretend that i was not there. but when i was in the classroom a while ago, i applied one of the principles of accounting in this situation. it's funny yet logical. anyway, here it goes, every book that was opened need to be disclosed! a disclosure might be done on the end of the year or at the time the event occured! haha its quite confusing if we dont speak the same language. rather, i am not really good in explaining things like this. anyway! sooner or later ill be more coherent with my thoughts..

i therefore conclude that we must settle this thing as soon as possible because there is a possibility that both of us might forget to arrange the mess i did! and it might result to something that is more complicated!! i am right?! i dont need your reaction! Just kidding! no i am no longer a kid! Yuck! what the hell i am writing! just for the sake that i could place something in my journal!! o well no one can stop me! even you!!hehe and this is mine!! MINE!!

hay! i am already 20 years old! i wanted to act according to my age! how sad i cant! i cant! i am so loud! as in super noisy!! as in.!! i hate it!

yehey!! you dont know how happy i am right now... thank you Lord for listening with my prayers.. I love you Lord!!

ill sleep na po! thank you so much!!

i want to be firm! i really admire him! how he supresses his feelings.. how he controls himself from what he calls "temptation".. how he can hide his true feelings. how he acts?! how hard he is... i mean how tough he is..

haha.. wish ko lng ganun dn ako! wish ko lng! wish ko lng! sana kya ko dn!!

btw, i know, you know who you are.. wag ka pong mgagalit ha! naku baka isumpa mo na ako! hehe its true! i admire u! hehe

i know only few rather no one will bother to read this, thats why i am not hesitant to write it here!

mwah!!

So many things to do! There are many responsibilities to attend which sometimes made me feel that I don’t have time for myself. I suffer from the things I never did. Sometimes I wanted to end this cruel and useless life. I know it sounds that I am selfish. Yeah, I know at times I am selfish, but most of the time I give what I can give to others. Yet, sometimes it pisses me off. does my family loves me?! Why am I here in this world? What are my purposes in life?! Is this it Lord?? To be the carrier of all the burden in life… Just give me the strength Lord...

I am so happy. As if I don’t carry the whole world. You know what, what makes me feel so stupid? This feeling of mine, makes me so slow. I wanted this to be shared out. But how can I do it, if the person who holds my heart keeps pushing me away. How I wish I could knock on his heart and beg. But I don’t have the guts to do it. All I can do is pray to God to make us connected again. It was my fault why that connection was broken. I couldn’t imagine that with just one senseless joke led to something I never wanted to happen.  If only I can bring back that moment, I wouldn’t do it. I really suffered from the consequences. I hate myself. I am so stupid. Yeah! I am pathetic I couldn’t leave him. No matter hard I try, I can’t. I prayed for it when I was in the retreat, I asked some signs. And they didn’t show. I am not really sure if they didn’t occur or what. But what matter most is now. I couldn’t do anything. As if I am petrified. This thing makes my day, from the moment I teased him, heavy. Please forgive me… please..

Its killing me inside! My heart is bleeding with that idea. This is my first time to be hurt with this feeling called love. I am really true that love and pain come in package. I attest to it and I can say that each and every one of us can also testify. I will be brave with this. I will face it with my head-up-high.

Looking back, I have so many fruitful memoirs with him. We share a lot of memories that I myself will cherish. I don’t care if he will forget me or will remain in him. But, atleast   I have experienced them.  Being treated as a lady, in his own ways, was really something that I will look for. Although these memories are good, they must be buried. I am very inconsistent, obviously. But this time, I will be very strong with this decision. Everything starts yet everything will come to an end. Sad to say the “us” is over. Over and over!! And that is final. It should be! It’s not a pause or comma, but an end or period. But behind my mind, he keeps on knocking. In my heart, he keeps on pinching. I don’t know what the underlying principles with this, yet I don’t need to discern. I don’t need to grasp any answer with those questions.

If you my dear are currently reading this, just want to know, why did you do that to me?? I am not yet sure if you really cheated on me! But if I prove it, I just pray for you. I will no longer meddle. MARK THIS WORD!! You don’t know what you’re missing. Yeah! I am no extraordinary. I am not intelligent or even talented, but I have the loyalty that cannot be shattered. I can give my everything without questioning. Anyhow, thank you and sorry for at times you felt you were forced to do something that contradicts to your values and principles. I just love you so much! And for me that is a valid reason!!

to many things that are undercovered

to many questions need not to be answered

to many feelings that must remain unseen

what a night?! is it required to be out every friday or saturday.. i mean chilling out or bar hopping.. can we just use this time to take a rest or something. i have nothing against with those people who go out during those times. maybe i am just bitter because i am  here in front of my monitor doing this silly thing.

how funny?! i discover that he is so shallow. he is a hunk yet soft inside. he is so prideful. honestly, he is not my type, yet i fell in love with him. he is not my ideal guy, yet i want him by my side. i am in a dilema again. why he keeps on making simple things into a complex one. maybe the priest, i spoke last retreat is right,  i can easily forgive other people because its me. but i cannot force other people to be like me. we are different in letting go of our angst. maybe because they pamper their pains. but please Lord i am asking for your forgiveness, i didnt mean to hurt them. sorry! sorry!

where is he right now? is he doing his thesis? does he mean with what  he said to me last night, that he doesnt want to be bother by me anymore. am i really a temptation? is it really true that he doesnt find the magic in me? these questions keep on bugging me.. it hurts me a lot when i am thinking of possible answers. but one thing leads me to another that makes it really heavy and more painful, he doesnt love me. maybe he likes me but he will never love me for what i am. i mean he will never appreciate me for who i am. maybe my friends are annoyed by this thing, but if they only know what is really going on. how sad i am evertime he rejects me. if he only knew that it is my pleasure serving him. but i am not that martyr.. hehe i know what is right or proper things to be done by me. sorry again i am not that stupid enough. maybe it is right that love is valid answer to any question about being a martyr. i, sometimes cannot see the rationale behind it. but i just have to admit that i am in love. but how sad the guy doesnt want me??!!

i am still thankful because he is so respectful and traditional. although he is more a of masculine that makes it really hard for me to comprehend, yet it really challenges me. i can say that he is part of my mission in life. however, he doesnt want me to be part of his life.

enough!!!!!